I've been thinking alot about my dad lately. I guess thats not all that surprising since I spend a lot of my typical day alone in the middle of nowhere and what else would be occupying my thoughts at this point and time. I haven't exactly dealt with his loss and people keep telling me that its not healthy. They are probably right but I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. And in all honesty maybe just me thinking about him when I'm trapsing about in the woods is part of my own personal healing process and I just don't know it. Unfortunately a lot of my thoughts right now are focused on how he was doing this past year and those are hard things to deal with, but I keep trying to tell myself that there is so much more and much happier things to think about. I want to get back to thinking about so many days spent camping out in the woods with him, washing the car together, him supporting me at every soccer, volleball, basketball, choir, band, and extracurricular event that I was ever involved in, giving each big bear hugs, and just the time I was so blessed to have him as a dad.
As you all know I'm Catholic and my dad was a very devout one at that. This last year has really put my faith to the test and I'm somewhat confused. In one respect I'm angry that God could have taken away a person that I loved so dearly and looked up to so much. I've really tried to put those feelings aside because deep down I know its not right to feel that way. My faith has always taught me that God has a greater purpose and that for reason's beyond my comprehension He called my dad home to Him, but I keep asking that very human question of "why?". Why is it that a man that worked so hard his entire life, loved his family, put his faith into everything he ever did, and in my mind was a kind and giving person called so early? And at that why did he have to fight the battle he did beforehand? I know that these are questions that I wont necessarily find the answer to because its not my own time to understand them but it doesn't stop them from circling my mind. I keep hoping that this Lent will bring me to a better understanding and in the end bring a certain peace to my heart. I really am seeking that out. My dad found some comfort and peace during his fight with cancer through the praying the Rosary, which is something that I too have picked up again in the last year and find to be a time, every morning before heading off into the world, to meditate and contemplate my own feelings right now.
I know this a "deeper" post than I usually do but its whats on my mind these days and I figure maybe if I put it into words I might be able to move past these emotions. I know dad is probably looking down on my and telling me not to sweat the small stuff (thats a dadism) because he's in a better place now. So on that note I want to leave you with one of my favorite pictures of my dad when he was about 20 and working up in the woods outside of Missoula. This is a picture I look at a lot and reminds me how much I am like him. Love you all and God Bless.
1 comment:
Tracy,
I support you in the daily struggle to choose to focus on the positive. I know a good cry will come sometime; and just because "dealing with it now" is what everyone says is healthy doesn't make it right for you. Honestly, I believe it's huge that you can take the past year, set it aside, and focus on the really good times. I think that choosing the happy memories is key.
I was angry at God because of this, too. I felt kind of like my prayers were forgotten, but your family got so much more time with him than most people with his diagnosis. So it wasn't the 21st century miracle I hoped for, but it was a lot--and God had orchestrated a caring boss, good flights, and etc.
Now if only he'd orchestrate a beer run. :)
Kate-uhh
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