All my life I've tried to become a more confident person. And for the most part I've been successful, though in all reality I was a relatively shy person growing up. Well maybe I shouldn't say shy since I could always talk to "grown ups" and never felt awkward about that. My shyness mostly revolved around interacting with my own demographic. But those days are behind me and I think I put up a decent confidence front whenever I interact with new people. I think most of my friends would have a hard time believing that it was difficult for me to exude that trait but I knew it was necessary. I tried to put myself out there and have the "take me as I am" attitude and most of the time it worked. So on the social level I don't think I have issues anymore but when I'm in the process of interviewing for jobs (which I've been doing again with some frequency) I have all those old fears come back to me.
The anticipation before an scheduled interview is the worst whether its in person or on the phone because I keep trying to predict the questions that are going to be asked and go through the best possible answers I can give but there are always ones I can never really prepare for. Once the interviews start and I get rolling I'm fine but I truly hate the hours leading up to one, like today. And I know I shouldn't be anxious, I've been through this dozens of times and know that I come off well and represent myself to the best of my abilities but I can't seem to help it. I just have to keep telling myself that whatever happens happens and I can only do my best, but I am tired of having that not quite cut it. I've gotten to the point on so many of these interviews where I've passed the numerous hurdles of the system and make it to the final interviews that can last for a couple hours and find that I'm competing against 2-3 other candidates with either more education or have been working in the industry for 10-15 years. Which in some ways should be a compliment because I don't have a masters or PhD and am still relatively new in my field yet I am competitive with the people who do have those qualifications.
I know that I can't get myself bogged down in those details because I can't control who I'm being compared to I can only control my own skills and qualifications, but it does get depressing. I want so much to get out there and gain new experiences and make not only my family proud but myself. I know that when I get into something I give 120% and wont disappoint but I just want that chance so badly that it hurts sometimes. So today I'm trying my best to have a positive outlook, prepare myself, and calm myself down because at this very moment I'm still a little bit anxious. I'm interviewing for a Fish and Wildlife Biologist II position with the State of Washington and while I know I'm qualified its still a question of who else is too. I know that there are 4 other candidates interviewing today and we're all out of staters except for one that is in Seattle. The position is in Colville which in all reality is only a couple hours from where I'm living right now but I know very little about the place since I've never been there. So we'll see how it goes and let the dice fall where they may.